February 19, 2010
you make everything better
In a moment of sudden silence came too many thoughts at once. First thoughts of all things broken in my life, then came the overwhelming pain of guilt and as seconds went by it all changed in an instant. God showed me a beautiful picture.
I have been ready since 7 o'clock, its now 8.30pm and i am waiting for the confirmation text that its ok to leave and make my way to his house. In this waiting i found myself stumbled across a blog of another who is fighting for her life, a disease has taken over her thoughts, body and everything she is. In the midst of all her words i saw somebody who was broken, dying, confused yet still so deeply searching for exactly who she was. In her frustrations she was still crying out to God.
I felt so guilty, there is no other word that perfectly describes my emotion. I know that's what God wants from us, to cry out and seek him! I look at my life up until last week and i see the person I've been. So full of pride and full of bottled up hurts from so long ago, as long as i can remember. Its been those giants I've kept inside that have scared me away from handing them over to Him. Like just pretending they're not there was OK. I had a wake up call on Saturday night. It was fierce and it hurt like nothing else.
I have again had the same wake up call but in such a profound way. As i sit here in this atmosphere God has reached out to me. I listen to a song and its lyrics penetrate my soul, they go something like this - The more i seek you, the more i find you, the more i find you, the more i love you. I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breath & feel your heart beat, this love is so deep, its more than i can stand, i melt in your peace its overwhelming.
I have just had a revelation of how much God loves to love me.
God wants to love on us, he wants to give us peace in these raging storms we so happen to stumble upon in this crazy thing called life, he desperately wants to show us who he is. I have come to learn that in this love, i begin to find out who i am, why i am here and also how pleasing God finds me. How much he wants all things good for me, how he has a plan and a purpose for me and that my future is bright. Its liberating.. Now to keep holding on even when it hurts, even when its a struggle and rely solely on the strength of my King, my father.. Jesus Christ
It can only get better from here.