September 26, 2010
Choking, i made an ultimatum with the one who knows me inside out. Something significant had to happen and it had to happen last night. I couldn't wait another minute. I was dying and loosing my breath and all capability to believe i was where i needed to be. I have noticed a pattern that when God is wanting to bring breakthrough in my life he brings me to a point of utter desperation and here i was. Sitting discouraged, broken, desperate and in need in the last row at the back of the building last night it was as if everything around me was happening in slow motion. I took myself to the back because i needed to be able to concentrate. As the speaker was sharing what God had put on her heart it was like she was speaking straight to mine. I knew that it was God speaking to me and it was something i couldn't ignore. He was answering my prayer. For the past month i had been in the desert. Parched and dry, it felt like every prayer i had been praying was falling on deaf ears. Who was the enemy to think he had the right to whisper lies in my ears and why was i believing that what he said was even slightly true. As Stacey was speaking she was talking about addictions and fear and anxiety and all these things were prominent in my life and she asked for somebody with specific issues to step out of their chair. I felt like the only person in the room, i just knew that this was my encounter with Jesus and that this was my moment of breakthrough so i walked to the front and by this time there were a few people up there. She layed hands on me first and gave me a word and she told me to breath in the Holy Spirit. As she prayed for me, i was brought to my knees and in total surrender i promised God he could have every bit of me and my life. I knelt and sobbed and i took big deep breaths. In that moment it felt as though my spirit man had been given life again. I can only liken it to feeling like i was being choked and that what was choking me lost its grip and i could breath again for the first time. I have never felt the love of God more prominently in my life than i did last night. And i knew this time that it was true and pure and it sat so peacefully in the bottom of my belly. I consider myself beyond blessed that i have a Daddy in heaven that adores and loves me more than i could ever fathom. That he is bigger than me and all of my 'stuff' and that in him i have gained total freedom. There is no greater gift than the life of Jesus Christ. I pray now that the freedom God has given me i can share with others. God make me a beacon of light to those around me who don't know you. I am changed forever! With my eyes set on my King i know that i am not limited to confines of these four walls. This is what having a purpose feels like and it is the most refreshing/amazing thing in the world.