Today is just the same as every other mundane day that has been my life for the past four weeks. Nothing seems to be getting any better but I have the tiniest little glimpse of fresh hope. In the midst of feeling all kinds of things and asking all sorts of questions, mainly rhetorical, that i feel as though i know the answers to already (i just struggle to have the faith and hope required) i just can't seem to pick myself up and get me out of what feels like a vicious circle of distrust, rejection and hopelessness. These feelings are not heavenly and i know that in this wilderness seasons of my life, God is surrounding me, even though nothing seems to feel that way, and is teaching me a lot about my life and my coping mechanisms and is taking me through a process of change. Like a garden, we all need weeding sometimes but whats the use if you don't pull the weeds from their roots, they just grow back. I know that God is delving as deep as the roots of all this hurt and rejection and hes clearing me out. Preparing me for greater things.
Then he said to me "prophesy to these bones and say to them, dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord "Dry, yet i have the authority given to me by God to speak to this season of my life and it could turn around just like that, but that requires trust, faith and full submission of control to Jesus and that is the journey he's taking me on right now. Why is that such a battle for me, why do i struggle to give God all control. He is my heavenly daddy and doesn't go back on his word and never would. He knows me intimately and knows my heart and intentions. He knows my battle and wants to help me yet i stop him, even in my desperation. I just want my battle with doubt, fear and distrust to dissipate and leave me alone forever. If only it was as easy as clicking your fingers. Even in this valley i know that God is walking me through this for the greater good. That the victory story at the end of this is that my God is true to his word and does make ALL things work for good for those that love him. That it will be a testimony that would glorify God in fullness and in truth.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I just want God to meet me here, in the midst of all my stuff and take me as i am, in the state i am in and teach me, help me and give me peace so that i might just find some much needed rest. Heavenly rest. This battle is not for me to walk through alone. God wants to walk me through this, he wants to provide for me when I have nothing and he wants to remind me of his flawless love and strength, i just need to accept the help, break down my pride and submit every thing i am into Jesus hands. This is a choice i must make without reason if I want God to do the unimaginable.
Here goes nothing, I am hoping that I can trust enough and have the faith required so that rest and peace would be mine.